On Trust (letters to Rebecca Claire)

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Dear Rebecca Claire,

This is the first time I’m writing you and you’ve been with us for 22 weeks and 6 days now. I think for a long time it was hard to believe you were really here, that God had really begun forming you inside of me. As we have been able to count your little fingers and toes on the ultrasound images, and feel you dancing around, your daddy and I are more and more in awe of what’s happening to you. You are being created. Formed in your mother’s womb, your inmost being is being knit carefully together (Psalm 139:13). And all the while, I am going about life as usual.

During this pregnancy, I have felt an overwhelming sense of peace that I know has only come from the Lord. In a world where babies miscarry or die, are born with disabilities, and cause painful and strenuous labors, it is easy to be filled with fear and anxiety. Will you survive until birth? Will you be healthy? Will you have a complicated entry into this world? Will I be in pain?

My doctor has been wonderful, shares your dad’s and my faith, and started our first appointment off with the thought that none of us know what really causes miscarriages, but the world wants to pinpoint a reason. Part of this is because we hope to prevent future mishaps, but I think the root is because we want to be in control. It is so hard to trust that Jesus holds life in the palm of His hand. (Revelation 1:18 “I am the living one. I died, but look–I am alive forever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and the grave.”)

But He does. Not me, not your dad, not your doctor. Jesus holds your life in the palm of His hand. This has given me such a peace, knowing that He made your life, He has given us 22 weeks of your life, and He has already purposed each day that you have spent growing in the womb. He could take you away from us at any point, no matter how healthy I eat, no matter how many hours I spend on my feet a day, no matter how many pregnancy “rules” I follow. You are being formed and created by our Father, not by me. And someday, you will be relieved of your life on this earth, and I pray that when that happens, you will join with Him in Heaven. My selfish hope is that this will be when you’re old and gray, when you’ve lived a full, beautiful life, and when I’ve had the joy to raise you, know you and love you, but my heart knows better. My heart knows how fleeting this life is, how every moment is a gift, and how you are not mine.

You are His, little one, and you always will be. I pray that your daddy and I remember this and cling to this, because it makes the chance for sorrow and loss so much sweeter, knowing that your days are numbered, and your time with us is purposed. What a joy and a relief to relish the time we have with you and to be rid of the stress that we are ultimately responsible for your safety and well-being! We have been entrusted with you for a time and we pray for wisdom and guidance in leading you, caring for you, raising you and teaching you.

Rebecca Claire, I have loved every minute of these 22 weeks and 6 days that you have been part of the Finch family. Thank you for reminding me that trusting the Lord means having an open hand and knowing that each moment is precious and could be taken away in one heartbeat. If we are blessed to have 50+ years with you, I pray that they are rich and life-giving and glorifying to God. If we only have one more day with you, I pray the same. Most of all, if/when we do get to sit down with you and share our faith with our words, I pray that your heart would be soft, and that your life would be marked by a ruthless trust in an all-powerful and loving God.

We love you and can’t wait to meet you, whether that be here on this earth or when we arrive at Heaven’s gates.

Love,

Mommy Finch

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